shrinkingelephant
shrinkingelephant:

The only carbs in this pizza are from the tomato sauce. The crust? Chicken. 

Crust
2 chicken breasts
1.5 cups shredded mozzarella
2-4 cloves chopped garlic (I like mine really garlic-y, so I used about 4)

Pizza Top
4-5 tablespoons tomato sauce of your choice (I try to keep it as low in carbs as possible)
Shredded mozz
Pepperoni
.5 cup ground italian sausage (I freeze the left-over sausage either for breakfasts or for pizzas in the future)
(or whatever toppings you fancy)

- Preheat your oven to 375 F. Boil your chicken in a pot of water for about 25-30 mins, until chicken is fully cooked. Run the cooked breasts through the food processor, blender, or chop with a knife until it resembles “meal” or dense crumbs. Do the same with the shredded cheese. Combine the chicken and the cheese and press in to an oven safe pan (I used a 10 in. spring form pan, but an 8x8 square pan could work too), forming a crust. Sprinkle the garlic over the top of the crust. I promise you, it won’t burn in the oven, and it smells amazing. Bake this crust for 20 minutes.
Meanwhile start cooking your italian sausage. I cooked it in a pan until it was just browned, because it will continue cooking in the oven later. After your crust is done spread your sauce around, add sausage, cheese and pepperoni any way you like, and continue baking for another 20 minutes.
Let cool and serve.

Seriously, this is so delicious.

Need to try.

shrinkingelephant:

The only carbs in this pizza are from the tomato sauce. The crust? Chicken. 

Crust

2 chicken breasts

1.5 cups shredded mozzarella

2-4 cloves chopped garlic (I like mine really garlic-y, so I used about 4)

Pizza Top

4-5 tablespoons tomato sauce of your choice (I try to keep it as low in carbs as possible)

Shredded mozz

Pepperoni

.5 cup ground italian sausage (I freeze the left-over sausage either for breakfasts or for pizzas in the future)

(or whatever toppings you fancy)

- Preheat your oven to 375 F. Boil your chicken in a pot of water for about 25-30 mins, until chicken is fully cooked. Run the cooked breasts through the food processor, blender, or chop with a knife until it resembles “meal” or dense crumbs. Do the same with the shredded cheese. Combine the chicken and the cheese and press in to an oven safe pan (I used a 10 in. spring form pan, but an 8x8 square pan could work too), forming a crust. Sprinkle the garlic over the top of the crust. I promise you, it won’t burn in the oven, and it smells amazing. Bake this crust for 20 minutes.

Meanwhile start cooking your italian sausage. I cooked it in a pan until it was just browned, because it will continue cooking in the oven later. After your crust is done spread your sauce around, add sausage, cheese and pepperoni any way you like, and continue baking for another 20 minutes.

Let cool and serve.

Seriously, this is so delicious.

Need to try.

jenn9854
jenn9854:

Fun and easy #lowcarb snack to get me through all this studying!!! Mini pizza bites! 😋 #lowcarbmeals #lowcarbrecipes #chefinthemaking #foodporn #food #keto #ketosis #ketogenic #healthy #pizzabites
All you need is a cupcake pan, salami, pepperoni, mozzarella, and any other toppings you like!
Lay down salami first for the base of the pizza bites. Next, add in your toppings. Fill mozzarella cheese to the top of the pan and top with 3-4 slices pepperoni. It’s optional, but I like to coat the top with more cheese. Sprinkle some parsley on top and bake at 350 for 10 minutes. Best pizza bites ever! Enjoy!! ;)

Love this. Need to try asap.

jenn9854:

Fun and easy #lowcarb snack to get me through all this studying!!! Mini pizza bites! 😋 #lowcarbmeals #lowcarbrecipes #chefinthemaking #foodporn #food #keto #ketosis #ketogenic #healthy #pizzabites

All you need is a cupcake pan, salami, pepperoni, mozzarella, and any other toppings you like!

Lay down salami first for the base of the pizza bites. Next, add in your toppings. Fill mozzarella cheese to the top of the pan and top with 3-4 slices pepperoni. It’s optional, but I like to coat the top with more cheese. Sprinkle some parsley on top and bake at 350 for 10 minutes. Best pizza bites ever! Enjoy!! ;)

Love this. Need to try asap.

undressedlunch
pandaaamonium14:

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years._________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid____________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral…_________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________And last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


This is too funny.

pandaaamonium14:

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

This is too funny.